Toilet Paper Post

Did you know that only 2% of toilet paper used by Americans is Recycled toilet paper? We have officially made the switch, and are now only using 100% recycled toilet paper. For the record; yes it is scratchy; yes it seems like a roll lasts ½ as long; and yes I’d rather be using Charmin. I’m actually tempted to stash away some Charmin under the bed in case of stomach flu. The recycled stuff just isn’t going to cut it in the case of a true bathroom “emergency”. Actually, now that I think about it, the car and house disaster kits are populated with Charmin. Lucky us!
So, if you are planning on visiting our house consider yourself warned. You may want to bring your own T.P. to the party. It could be worse. A few months back we were told a story about a couple visiting some friends for the day. The only method of wiping offered to them by their hosts included rags and a waste bin.
The guy on the radio today was actually trying to encourage American’s to consider using a bidet instead of Charmin. Are you kidding me? True, I’ve never used a bidet before, so I have no good reason for abhorring the idea. But, I do. If for some reason you are high and interested in purchasing a bidet for your bathroom, they actually make them now so that they attach right to the toilet you are already using. Weeeeee! More information can be found at http://www.biobidet.com/. I love the name, “BioBidet”. Snicker.
In the case of true Armageddon you will eventually run out of toilet paper. No toilet paper? No problem. Cool things you can wipe your butt with are (as suggested by Cody Lundin):

Rocks. Rocks come in different sizes and textures. You can find a shape and size to fit every orifice.
Sticks. Be careful of sharp broken ends.
Grass. Long grass can be folded up on itself to create a soft, fresh smelling alternative.
Leaves. Use several at a time, overlapped, or your fingers will bust through.
Snow. An invigorating experience that wipes and cleans at the same time.
Tree Branches and shrubs. You will quickly learn that some are “directional”. First rub the branch across your wrist to check for comfort.
Rags.
Newspaper. Crumple it up a few times beforehand and the paper will become softer and more absorbent.
Magazines. This paper can be somewhat slippery and oily feeling. So, like newspaper, crumpling up the pages can improve wiping ability.

In “When All Hell Freezes Over”, Cody also includes a page of “Hardcore Hints” for folks interested in wiping their ass with their hand. Maybe some other time …