A few days ago I was driving in Berkeley and noticed how many hippies were wearing bandannas on their heads (look, I finally changed the spelling from hippi). Suddenly I had a strong, consuming desire to own a bandanna. So after work today I drove to Any Mountain and bought two bandannas, one red and one blue. Once home I realized I had never actually worn a bandanna on my head (or for that matter any other part of my body). So, I had to go on-line and look up instructions on how to properly tie a bandanna. Thank god for the internet. After about 6 tries, I finally found a look that suited me. When wearing my bandana I prefer to squint and pretend that I am a pirate as opposed to a dirty footed hippie. My one hoop earring helps to solidify my new persona.
Our T.V. died today. I’ll add it to the list of one more thing to go wrong in July 2009. It was a bit odd because I was watching Warehouse 13 when it happened. On the television screen a man was at the airport buying tickets. From behind him two men dressed in black trench coats, goggles, and black masks enter the airport. The camera angle switches and now the audience is watching the two men through a security camera which is a grainy, black and white video feed. The men reach down and pull back their trench coats to reveal bomb-like apparatus attached to their chests. A green ball forms between them, in the middle of the T.V. screen, then suddenly the screen goes black. As though the image “fell” or was sucked in to the middle of the green ball. Frantic voices can be heard in the background. I sit for a few minutes staring at blackness before I realize, “well son-of-a-b*tch. The T.V. just died”.
When your T.V. dies a little part of your soul will give its own momentary death rattle. It sounds something like, “Grrrp … k-k-k-k- … rrrrr …pop”. I tried to think positive thoughts like “oh well I can just read” or “maybe I should wash the dog” or “wow, now I have time work on the book” or “I should practice Form Stance for karate”. Instead I ran to my laptop and watched a video feed of “Glee” coming out in September but available now on the web. I suck. I super suck. My suckage is so large and so vast that I am a little green ball in the universe swallowing up tiny video images around me. I should be cleaning my Glock. I should be collecting fresh lettuce from my eco-bin. I should be squeezing fresh grape fruits for my shower tonight.
Oh, which brings me to another thought. Today a paraprofessional offered me fresh fruit from her garden (no this isn’t some bizarre sexual innuendo). I’ve never actually accepted fruit from anyone’s garden before. It made me feel very organically minded and stuff. I wish I had fruit to offer from my garden. Proclamation #5: I will plant seeds. I will watch them grow. I will offer strangers fruit from my garden!! Yes!! I will wear my hippie bandana, kneel in dirt and plant organic lemon seeds! I will fertilize my sees with re-appropriated dog poo (probably not) and fight damage causing insects with vinegar! Next time when I am watching T.V. and it dies I will have sense not to sit in front of a dark screen for two minutes before realizing this sudden darkness was not part of the plot.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Soap Nuts
About two weeks ago we started using the Lullwater Soap Nuts regularly. This is an eco-friendly laundry detergent, 100% natural and biodegradable. My bag cost me about $23, and should do about 330 loads (according to the label on the bag). 150 fluid ounces of double concentrate liquid Tide only washes up to 96 loads. Another bonus is that fabric softener is not needed. Financially this is a pretty good deal.
Prior to washing you take 2 – 3 nuts and throw them in to a little bag (provided by Lullwater). If used in the same day, this bag o’ nuts will wash three loads of laundry. In your hand they smell very vinegary. Many of the nuts in the bag have broken apart, so it’s hard to determine what constitutes a true nut. I just guess. Another irritating issue is that the Soap Nuts come in a nice canvas bag with red writing. Unfortunately, the red writing sloughs off easily so you find yourself kind of guessing what the actual instructions might say.
Once the clothes are washed they feel kinda soft and smell kinda clean. By “kinda” I mean they don’t feel or smell dirty. They just feel and smell like clothes. Which is weird. However, I would definitely recommend Soap Nuts to any of you hippies out there. As an added bonus if you use a Laundromat, as opposed to having a washer and dryer in your home, I HIGHLY recommend this solution. No more carrying heavy containers of laundry soap and softener up and down stairs or across long distances. Just grab 3 nuts, tie them up in a bag, and you are ready to go.
Prior to washing you take 2 – 3 nuts and throw them in to a little bag (provided by Lullwater). If used in the same day, this bag o’ nuts will wash three loads of laundry. In your hand they smell very vinegary. Many of the nuts in the bag have broken apart, so it’s hard to determine what constitutes a true nut. I just guess. Another irritating issue is that the Soap Nuts come in a nice canvas bag with red writing. Unfortunately, the red writing sloughs off easily so you find yourself kind of guessing what the actual instructions might say.
Once the clothes are washed they feel kinda soft and smell kinda clean. By “kinda” I mean they don’t feel or smell dirty. They just feel and smell like clothes. Which is weird. However, I would definitely recommend Soap Nuts to any of you hippies out there. As an added bonus if you use a Laundromat, as opposed to having a washer and dryer in your home, I HIGHLY recommend this solution. No more carrying heavy containers of laundry soap and softener up and down stairs or across long distances. Just grab 3 nuts, tie them up in a bag, and you are ready to go.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Toilet Paper Post
Did you know that only 2% of toilet paper used by Americans is Recycled toilet paper? We have officially made the switch, and are now only using 100% recycled toilet paper. For the record; yes it is scratchy; yes it seems like a roll lasts ½ as long; and yes I’d rather be using Charmin. I’m actually tempted to stash away some Charmin under the bed in case of stomach flu. The recycled stuff just isn’t going to cut it in the case of a true bathroom “emergency”. Actually, now that I think about it, the car and house disaster kits are populated with Charmin. Lucky us!
So, if you are planning on visiting our house consider yourself warned. You may want to bring your own T.P. to the party. It could be worse. A few months back we were told a story about a couple visiting some friends for the day. The only method of wiping offered to them by their hosts included rags and a waste bin.
The guy on the radio today was actually trying to encourage American’s to consider using a bidet instead of Charmin. Are you kidding me? True, I’ve never used a bidet before, so I have no good reason for abhorring the idea. But, I do. If for some reason you are high and interested in purchasing a bidet for your bathroom, they actually make them now so that they attach right to the toilet you are already using. Weeeeee! More information can be found at http://www.biobidet.com/. I love the name, “BioBidet”. Snicker.
In the case of true Armageddon you will eventually run out of toilet paper. No toilet paper? No problem. Cool things you can wipe your butt with are (as suggested by Cody Lundin):
Rocks. Rocks come in different sizes and textures. You can find a shape and size to fit every orifice.
Sticks. Be careful of sharp broken ends.
Grass. Long grass can be folded up on itself to create a soft, fresh smelling alternative.
Leaves. Use several at a time, overlapped, or your fingers will bust through.
Snow. An invigorating experience that wipes and cleans at the same time.
Tree Branches and shrubs. You will quickly learn that some are “directional”. First rub the branch across your wrist to check for comfort.
Rags.
Newspaper. Crumple it up a few times beforehand and the paper will become softer and more absorbent.
Magazines. This paper can be somewhat slippery and oily feeling. So, like newspaper, crumpling up the pages can improve wiping ability.
In “When All Hell Freezes Over”, Cody also includes a page of “Hardcore Hints” for folks interested in wiping their ass with their hand. Maybe some other time …
So, if you are planning on visiting our house consider yourself warned. You may want to bring your own T.P. to the party. It could be worse. A few months back we were told a story about a couple visiting some friends for the day. The only method of wiping offered to them by their hosts included rags and a waste bin.
The guy on the radio today was actually trying to encourage American’s to consider using a bidet instead of Charmin. Are you kidding me? True, I’ve never used a bidet before, so I have no good reason for abhorring the idea. But, I do. If for some reason you are high and interested in purchasing a bidet for your bathroom, they actually make them now so that they attach right to the toilet you are already using. Weeeeee! More information can be found at http://www.biobidet.com/. I love the name, “BioBidet”. Snicker.
In the case of true Armageddon you will eventually run out of toilet paper. No toilet paper? No problem. Cool things you can wipe your butt with are (as suggested by Cody Lundin):
Rocks. Rocks come in different sizes and textures. You can find a shape and size to fit every orifice.
Sticks. Be careful of sharp broken ends.
Grass. Long grass can be folded up on itself to create a soft, fresh smelling alternative.
Leaves. Use several at a time, overlapped, or your fingers will bust through.
Snow. An invigorating experience that wipes and cleans at the same time.
Tree Branches and shrubs. You will quickly learn that some are “directional”. First rub the branch across your wrist to check for comfort.
Rags.
Newspaper. Crumple it up a few times beforehand and the paper will become softer and more absorbent.
Magazines. This paper can be somewhat slippery and oily feeling. So, like newspaper, crumpling up the pages can improve wiping ability.
In “When All Hell Freezes Over”, Cody also includes a page of “Hardcore Hints” for folks interested in wiping their ass with their hand. Maybe some other time …
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Foot Tonic Fail
Many years ago when I was assembling my first Disaster Kit I came across the recommendation that one should always keep comfortable shoes in the car in case of an emergency. The point being that crawling through mounds of debris in Teva sandals might be a bad, not to mention potentially crippling, endeavor. Fortunately I own multiple pairs of shoes and it was very easy for me to throw a pair of rarely worn sneakers into my emergency backpack.
Today I was again reminded of the need for good, conscientious, foot care. On Saturday morning I went to my Zombie fighting class. For two hours we ran around barefoot on a hard wooden floor and now my feet are killing me. I continue to hobble around the house more than 24 hours later. Honestly, I’m not sure why we have to be barefoot. I truly believe it would be far more useful to practice kicking ass in Doc Martin’s or at very least steel toed hiking boots. But I digress. I have accepted the fact that not only will I re-learn the fine art of spinning back kicks, but I will also learn to be humble and do as I’m told, regardless of how ridiculous it might seem. I am a leaf on the river …. I am a leaf on the river … I am a leaf on the river ….
For sore foot relief it seemed appropriate to consult, “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself”. The suggested foot tonic was:
Ankle Deep Warm / Hot Water
½ cup Vinegar
2 tablespoons salt
After soaking my feet for about 10 minutes I became terribly bored. My feet smelled like Vinegar soaked Long John Silver’s fish and chips, and my Cha-Ching-Cherry nail polish began to fade. The results were less than stunning. My feet still hurt and now they have the added bonus of being stinky. Foot Tonic Fail.
Today I was again reminded of the need for good, conscientious, foot care. On Saturday morning I went to my Zombie fighting class. For two hours we ran around barefoot on a hard wooden floor and now my feet are killing me. I continue to hobble around the house more than 24 hours later. Honestly, I’m not sure why we have to be barefoot. I truly believe it would be far more useful to practice kicking ass in Doc Martin’s or at very least steel toed hiking boots. But I digress. I have accepted the fact that not only will I re-learn the fine art of spinning back kicks, but I will also learn to be humble and do as I’m told, regardless of how ridiculous it might seem. I am a leaf on the river …. I am a leaf on the river … I am a leaf on the river ….
For sore foot relief it seemed appropriate to consult, “Clean Body: The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself”. The suggested foot tonic was:
Ankle Deep Warm / Hot Water
½ cup Vinegar
2 tablespoons salt
After soaking my feet for about 10 minutes I became terribly bored. My feet smelled like Vinegar soaked Long John Silver’s fish and chips, and my Cha-Ching-Cherry nail polish began to fade. The results were less than stunning. My feet still hurt and now they have the added bonus of being stinky. Foot Tonic Fail.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
4th of July Recipe
Happy 4th of July readers! Tonight is generally a time of revelry and celebration. Across your city, unknowing of the zombie hoard that could quite possibly be lurking behind the 7-11, citizens of America will be drinking copious amounts of beer, barbequing trunk loads of red meat, and thoughtlessly wasting precious explosives (here in Oakland they will be wasting bucket loads of ammunition).
In honor of the 4th of July I offer my readers a new recipe. If when you wake tomorrow morning the world is covered in post-apocalypse ash, know that you still have hope!
Awesome Ashcakes!
Ingredients:
Flour
* Water
* Twig
Coals from 4th of July barbeque
* For water you can substitute the dregs from the bottom of 3 or 4 beer bottles. For twigs you can substitute the sticks from Corn Dogs.
Directions:
With twig, mix small amount of water (2 or 3 tablespoons) with flour
Use hands to flatten out dough ball into pancake shape.
Throw onto coals of fire.
Turn as necessary to keep from burning.
Let cool.
Eat.
If your guests were nice enough to leave behind scraps on their plates you can also make Awesome Ashcake Turnovers! Simply take whatever ingredients you can find (left over pie pieces, half eaten hot dogs, mustard smears), add to the flattened dough ball, pinch the edges, and throw it all on the coals.
* Recipe adapted from When All Hell Breaks Loose. Cody Lundin.
In honor of the 4th of July I offer my readers a new recipe. If when you wake tomorrow morning the world is covered in post-apocalypse ash, know that you still have hope!
Awesome Ashcakes!
Ingredients:
Flour
* Water
* Twig
Coals from 4th of July barbeque
* For water you can substitute the dregs from the bottom of 3 or 4 beer bottles. For twigs you can substitute the sticks from Corn Dogs.
Directions:
With twig, mix small amount of water (2 or 3 tablespoons) with flour
Use hands to flatten out dough ball into pancake shape.
Throw onto coals of fire.
Turn as necessary to keep from burning.
Let cool.
Eat.
If your guests were nice enough to leave behind scraps on their plates you can also make Awesome Ashcake Turnovers! Simply take whatever ingredients you can find (left over pie pieces, half eaten hot dogs, mustard smears), add to the flattened dough ball, pinch the edges, and throw it all on the coals.
* Recipe adapted from When All Hell Breaks Loose. Cody Lundin.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Living Self-Sufficientish: An Update
I’m still living my self-sufficientish lifestyle. Well, sort of. The soap is still made of oatmeal (or hemp; or baking soda; or baby Indian tears). Lemons are still my shampoo of choice, and the toilet paper is recycled (by some large company, not directly by me because that would be gross). I bought a new razor the other day that uses disposable razor heads so that I’m not throwing away an entire disposable razor every few months. Also, the new toothbrush rocks as well as the toothpaste. In all honesty though, VSC makes a much better toothpaste blend than I do. Also, for the first time, I used the soap beads in the laundry. They were stinky before washing, but left the load smelling fresh and clean.
To be honest, I must admit that I have made a few mistakes along the way. As an example, I got a pedicure and it was LOVELY. Petite Asian women (probably being paid far less than minimum wage and originally shipped to the U.S. to be sex slaves) massaged my calves, buffed my feet, and shellacked my toenails in wonderful, Opi Cha-Ching-Cherry nail polish. They even used the hippi repelling blue glow of a UV bulb to dry the polish. My toes sat under the blue glow for about 15 minutes while I read an article in Oprah’s magazine about “4 Eco Friendly Destinations”. Here I learned about “The Good Hotel” in San Francisco where you can pay $99 on a weekday to stay at the hotel and “Just pick up the orange phone in the lobby to connect to the non-profit One Brick, which matches visitors to short-term service gigs”. You can imagine the stony glares I received from the other saloon visitors when I laughed so hard I snorted.
I also went to see Craig my fabulous gay hair dresser. Craig is very “pro-product” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was now washing my hair with baking soda and lemon juice. It would have most certainly killed one of the little fairies that live in Craig’s blow dryer. Did you know that a gay hair dresser’s blow dryer is full of little fairies that beat their wings so hard, and so fast, a cool forest breeze then blows gently through your hair? Yes, I am ashamed to have kept a secret from my hairdresser, but it really was for the best.
Finally, today is house cleaning day. Armed with my baking soda and trusty vacuum cleaner I will attack the floor rugs. There aren’t any hints in my “The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing: Clean” book on dusting. So I may end up spending an hour on the internet trying to come up with an eco-friendly dusting solution. Yes, I’m sure you are thinking, “Just use a rag dumb-ass”. However a plain old rag does not leave the house smelling fresh and clean! Without the smell of clean there really isn’t much of a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
To be honest, I must admit that I have made a few mistakes along the way. As an example, I got a pedicure and it was LOVELY. Petite Asian women (probably being paid far less than minimum wage and originally shipped to the U.S. to be sex slaves) massaged my calves, buffed my feet, and shellacked my toenails in wonderful, Opi Cha-Ching-Cherry nail polish. They even used the hippi repelling blue glow of a UV bulb to dry the polish. My toes sat under the blue glow for about 15 minutes while I read an article in Oprah’s magazine about “4 Eco Friendly Destinations”. Here I learned about “The Good Hotel” in San Francisco where you can pay $99 on a weekday to stay at the hotel and “Just pick up the orange phone in the lobby to connect to the non-profit One Brick, which matches visitors to short-term service gigs”. You can imagine the stony glares I received from the other saloon visitors when I laughed so hard I snorted.
I also went to see Craig my fabulous gay hair dresser. Craig is very “pro-product” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was now washing my hair with baking soda and lemon juice. It would have most certainly killed one of the little fairies that live in Craig’s blow dryer. Did you know that a gay hair dresser’s blow dryer is full of little fairies that beat their wings so hard, and so fast, a cool forest breeze then blows gently through your hair? Yes, I am ashamed to have kept a secret from my hairdresser, but it really was for the best.
Finally, today is house cleaning day. Armed with my baking soda and trusty vacuum cleaner I will attack the floor rugs. There aren’t any hints in my “The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing: Clean” book on dusting. So I may end up spending an hour on the internet trying to come up with an eco-friendly dusting solution. Yes, I’m sure you are thinking, “Just use a rag dumb-ass”. However a plain old rag does not leave the house smelling fresh and clean! Without the smell of clean there really isn’t much of a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
Zombie Self Defense
I’m finally “back on the grid” after some gentle prodding from a few readers.
Per my earlier posts I have been busy training in the art of Zombie self defense. This Thursday I found my mind wandering while the class was practicing Punch Attack number 1A for the 56th time. However, I found the task much more rewarding when I imagined that my partner was a 5’2 zombie. In this scenario one had to consider body position as well as striking form. If, for example, I turned my right shoulder about 2 inches towards the left and tucked my chin a little more I would not only be able to punch my zombie partner in the temple, but I might also be able to prevent the exploding gore from landing in my eye.
Per my earlier posts I have been busy training in the art of Zombie self defense. This Thursday I found my mind wandering while the class was practicing Punch Attack number 1A for the 56th time. However, I found the task much more rewarding when I imagined that my partner was a 5’2 zombie. In this scenario one had to consider body position as well as striking form. If, for example, I turned my right shoulder about 2 inches towards the left and tucked my chin a little more I would not only be able to punch my zombie partner in the temple, but I might also be able to prevent the exploding gore from landing in my eye.
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