Learning to Kick Zombie Arse

Monday was my first night back in Martial Arts in order to re-learn how to kick zombie ass. As I said earlier, guns are cool but eventually the ammo is going to run low. And I don’t want to have to choose between shooting blindly into a zombie hoard and a nice squirrel dinner. I’d rather be in shape and a). Be able to run away or b). Be able to go XXX on their arses.

I joined Hand To Hand Kajukenbo in Oakland for a six week beginners’ class. I figured it’s been years since I trained so it would be best to take it slow. I feared for the safety of my knees and back. This dojo is unique for two reasons. First I was pleasantly surprised to see that the majority of its members are women. Actually that’s why I joined it. Even the instructors are chicks. It’s novel not to be the only woman / girl in class. I can’t put my finger on why it seems so important, but it is. Second, they actually use pads at HTH. No shit! In the good ol’ days we would just line up across from each other and practice kicking and hitting each others bodies. Of course we were encouraged to block, but if something got through the teachers figured it was a good chance to build up your stomach muscles and practice your ki (I’m sure that isn’t spelled right). We just figured it built character to go home with bruises. Now days people put 3 inch thick pads on their hands. Novel. Actually, I find it all very cute. There’s no running barefoot on loose gravel. No knuckle push ups on sand. No lying in a line on your back so your instructors can run across your stomachs. Instead we played “tunnel tag”, sat in a circle and meditated for a few minutes, and practiced kicking and hitting our partners hand pads. Giggle. I did however come home with a scratch on my forehead because I got overly competitive during tunnel tag. It’s like this little Tasmanian devil takes hold of my soul and sends me madly spinning and frothing around. Sad really. I need to get better control of my desire to hurt things. VSC wondered where the scratch came from but was nice enough not to ask for details. Although I "mock" (because let's face it... that's what I do), I really appreciate the effort our Sifu put in to create a comfortable environment. The bit of silliness got even the coldest fish (i.e. me) out of my shell a bit. Her methods for teaching technique were sound, and I am looking forward to learning new things and breaking some very old, and very bad, habits.

The dojo is beautiful and my new Sifu seems knowledgeable . A few minor differences are already apparent. They use a shortened Tiger stance as a beginner stance. I don’t ever recall using a Tiger stance and it leaves me feeling off balance, so I find myself checking the spacing between my feet a lot so I can learn how to do it correctly. They also have a new term for the assistant teacher (a green belt) which is Sijeh (pronounced C.J.) and call the dojo a Kwoon. Most everything else seemed familiar enough.

Once again I found myself in the awkward position of being asked “What brought you to ____ (fill in blank … this booth, this class, this idea). I will never ask another human being this question EVER. However, I was better prepared this time and mumbled something about reinventing myself. In my head I could hear the theme song to the Six Million Dollar Man; I will be stronger, faster, etc., etc. I need to find / buy a shirt that says something like “Here to Kick Zombie Ass” or “Planning for the Post-Apocalypse” or “What the Hell Do You Care?” so that in the future when I’m asked this question I can just wear my damn t-shirt and point to my boobs.

The next class is Thursday night. I’m very much looking forward to it and hope this turns in to a long term commitment for me. It feels good. Also, for the first time in about 6 months I actually went to bed without taking a sleeping “aide”. The next morning I remembered my dream which was a really hot, pseudo cyberpunk / steam punk adventure tale. Go Me! No zombies though (insert sigh).